Hello again. I’ve been ok and not ok since the last post. Long story short: Insurance change = not paying for my medication = trying to make do with the generic that hasn’t worked for me in the past = slow slide down to depression and anxiety = ponying up the $300 for the brand name (with coupon, of course!) = me being disappointed because I didn’t immediately return to where I was before the drug change.

Sooooooo. Things I learned (aside from hating insurance companies, because I already knew that from previous arguments about medications):

1) I will likely need to stay on medication to keep my neurotransmitters at a normal level. And that is ok. It doesn’t mean I’m weak or less than or a drug addict.

2) I am some kind of sad unicorn who has to take the expensive brand name of my medication because the slight variation in the generic is enough to make it not work for me. So instead of glitter and rainbows and other Lisa Frank unicorn adornments, I have an Eeyore aesthetic. Eeyore with a dull horn taped to his forehead. Yay me.

3) I am getting better at identifying when depression and anxiety are starting to get out of hand. And I am better at taking action when it does, including asking for help. (My husband is still the best at noticing when I’m sliding down that slippery slope. I don’t like to admit it when I feel it coming, but he has learned how to gently prompt me to action. I’m lucky like that! It probably outweighs the Eeyore unicorn unluckiness.)

4) I am impatient with medications. I want it to work when I pop it in my mouth. Knowing full well that it can take 2-3 weeks to reach steady state, I am still disappointed that I am a week in and anxiety is still keeping me from sleeping well at night and depression is making my emotions…unpredictable.

5) Depression is extra shitty because it makes me not want to exercise when I KNOW 10000000% that exercise will make me feel better. My brain is a tricky asshole. It wants me to be sad (and sometimes wants to kill me) and it knows how to keep me from doing things to make me not sad. You just wait, brain! Those normal levels will be back soon. soonish. And then you’ll see!

6) I crave sweets like a pregnant lady when my serotonin is low. CRAZY CRAVINGS! Like, go to Dairy Queen for a caramel sundae with chopped nuts during the middle of the day cravings. Because you know what helps with feeling down and depressed and anxious? Gaining a shit-ton of weight. Cheers me right the hell up. (Tricksy brain)

7) Even when I am sliding back to the dark side, being able to recognize it helps me to use the tools I have learned during times not on the dark side. I can recognize the thoughts as thoughts and not facts and try to change my perception of them. I can stop to breathe when I feel like I have an elephant on my chest. I can call my husband and say “I have no energy for dinner tonight” and he will bring pizza or make dinner. I can (sometimes) let myself just sit on the couch for an hour without beating myself up for not cleaning the kitchen/work on protocols for work/do laundry/give the dog a bath/exercise… I have friends that will still come over and spend time with me even when I haven’t cleaned the house or planned anything fun for the weekend and I am scattered and disorganized. (Thank you, ladies. You know who you are.) I can try to be kinder to myself. It doesn’t always happen, but it’s more likely now than it used to be.

So here’s to fighting with the insurance company when they deny my request to waive the penalty for the brand name medication (that keeps me from ending up in the hospital, so it really IS a cost-saving measure) sometime in the next SIX WEEKS. And here’s to paying another $300 for my medication in 3 weeks. And here’s to getting back to myself in the next few weeks so that I can advocate for myself and exercise and get back on the path to becoming my best self!! See you there!!!